Too much time on my hands

This first week of June has gone quickly but it has not been an easy one. I am transitioning to my summer schedule at Deerfield Academy which means a much less structured work week- free time. should be good right? Nope - far from it. Maybe it is because it is June- Shane’s birthday month. In 3 short weeks we will gather on the cape at the New Seabury Country Club where Shane worked last summer to celebrate his life. I cry just thinking about it. There will be more amazing awful days to come. I know it is going to be a beautiful event for him- he would have it no other way. And to the restaurant mangers, event planner, the bartenders, the servers, the chefs- this is indeed a “special event” for them. as Chef Ken put it- "this is for family". In one short summer Shane changed strangers to family. Who does that? Shane did- which just pisses me off even more that he is no longer here on Earth.

I spent time today with a dear friend that I continue to lean on heavily for support. We poured through photos in preparation of the event - you know because the nine poster boards full we already have from his wake and funeral are not enough. We laughed as we came across more and more photos of his eye roll. We grinned at the Shaney farmer photos, on tractors, in the garden, mowing the lawn, all in his hat and usually in his boots. He was such a hard working boy and adorable too. And then the meltdown came - realizing I would never take another photo of him. He will not be in any more photos when we get the Xmas tree, color Easter eggs, gather for Thanksgiving or vacation on the Cape. The impact is profound, the void is deep.

A good friend of Shane’s that I connected with for the first time this week was off on a trip to VT with other friends of theirs- he said “ wish he could be here- I’m really missing him. But it helps me to know he’s up there helping God and continuing to be the best he can be.”

I know the summer is going to be hard on them- for the past 7 summers- he has seen this group of kids every single day. They will feel that loss- each and every day. For so many of these young adults it’s one of their first losses they are experiencing. It is a lot to process even as an adult. Some of these cape summer friends had been with Shane just 5 days before his death when they gathered in Boston for Friendsgiving. I hope they will rally around each other- lifting each other up when needed- I hope they will be laughing as they think of the summers they shared. But I also hope they will remember to be kind and to be grateful. I hope they will call their Moms and I hope when around people they love- they hold that hug just a little bit longer and squeeze just a little bit tighter. I am so looking forward to being around them all, holding them tight, laughing with them and of course crying with them as we mourn Shane on the Cape.

The young man I mentioned earlier went on to also say “ he’s with us everywhere, I’m staying positive about it, I believe God has a plan for everyone - maybe God needed some help up there. I’d call on Shane too.”

Yeah- I used to call on Shane’s help; for a lot of things. I relied on him physically and mentally.

I still call on him to keep my needle pointing North and to show us the signs.

The extra time is giving me more time to think about him, more time to miss him, more time to think about all that he got cheated out of. Several nights I've been up late caring and worrying about Colin. He too has struggled, he was sick with terrible head cold thanks to his Momma sharing it and then ravaged by a stomach bug and just when we thought we had turned a corner- he began to have crying fits, every day, unexplained, out of nowhere. I wonder if it’s not a physical pain for him, but if it’s an emotional one. Perhaps it’s just a week where he too needs to express himself. I have found myself in a pool of tears daily this week- perhaps Colin is right there with me. I think with my extra time tomorrow I’ll spend it sharing memories with Colin. I’ll show him these photos and I’ll share my memories of his brother and by doing that we are keeping Shane’s memory alive. I will feed Colin's soul with all that love and all those memories and remind him that their bond will never be broken.

Please make sure you are doing that also. Say his name, share your memories and reach out to check on a friend. We all need each others help- and we are not alone on our journeys.