The struggle is real

The struggle is real, a phrase I have uttered 100s of times perhaps even thousands. In retrospect I am wondering just what it was I was struggling with. Its funny how when we are in a challenging moment- we believe that it cannot possibly get worse. You wonder how you will manage- but yet in most scenarios somehow we do. And now as we struggle every day- I say WE intended to be collectively not just for myself but for anyone that is reading this. We all have our struggles- many we do not share and others do not ever know about them. Struggle is a pretty loose term here. There are certainly many across the United Sates right now struggling with the aftermath of powerful hurricanes, the world struggles with social injustices. People are struggling to pay their bills, to afford to buy food. Then there are those struggling with mental health challenges, with physical health challenges and many struggling with addiction. When I think about these things I am lucky- I have a roof over my head, money in the bank, a beautiful loving family, a great group of friends- I am grateful, But I am still struggling.

I am floundering with what to do with this new version of myself. I do not want to hide in my grief because I know that I am not alone. Our society makes grief feel isolating and lonely but it is truly the one thing that links us all together. Once you are alive- the only guarantee, the only thing we know for certain is that one day we will die. So why aren't more people openly talking about their loss and their grief? Why are we not supporting each other more? Why are we not coming together to share our experiences, our journeys. I recently heard the words that we have a thirst to discuss grief, but no one is providing the water.

I would like to change that, I NEED to change that among my friends, my peers, my community. I want us to openly navigate this journey- together.

A friend of mine sent me these words earlier today :

Dear World- Please stop expecting me to be the person I was before loss and grief changed me. That same person doesn't exist anymore.

I have been reading a lot, scrolling perhaps too much and testing out some podcasts- trying to fill my heart and soul with how it is best to coexist with my sadness and still be able to experience joy. A podcast that I am really enjoying and highly recommend for anyone is

"All there is with Anderson Cooper".

A familiar name to most- he was one of 2 sons of Gloria Vanderbilt. Anderson lost his father when he was 10 to a heart issue, at 21 his only sibling an older brother jumped to his death from the balcony of his mothers home with her close by. Upon losing his mother in 2019 he speaks of himself as the last one standing left to deal with all that is left behind, physically, mentally and emotionally. His podcast- now in its third season is a personal journey of his as he navigates what to do with all the "stuff" left behind by not only his famous mother- but what she had saved from her deceased son and husband. Anderson describes himself as not wanting to be stuck in sadness and bitterness. He is joined by other guests in the 30 minute long podcasts- that have also been dealt some unfair blows to say the least. Just another testament to the fact that we all have struggles, and that death impacts us all. In one conversation death is described as a closing door. Some doors close slowly- like a grandparent or even a parent that has had a good long life and is able to pass without prolonged suffering or pain. We know the door is closed- that there is now only memories but we are able to accept it. Then there are the doors that slam shut.

Losing my mother after a 9 month hospice journey, the door closed slowly as she adapted her life to deal with stage 4 COPD, congestive heart failure, and kidney failure. Our family dynamic changed as she required more and more assistance and we slowly lost our mother as we had known her to be. My mother was also diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's- but we were lucky- she still knew us and we were able to keep her at home until she passed. We all knew that the door- her door- was closing, she knew it as well and in the end was ready.

I can not say I was ready to lose her- she was my best friend, and I talked to her every day. She taught me what unconditional love was-always standing by my side regardless of the many bad decisions I made with my life. She taught me family first, she showed the value in family traditions, she taught me that our roots are deep, and she also taught me to bend, but do not break. I think about her and miss her every day.

Losing Shane was a door that slammed shut- unexpectedly, violently- and I was in the doorway and got blown across the room. It is harder to accept- but I do not want to be angry nor do I want to be bitter or become incapable of feeling joy. I do not want to be stuck in the "Why me" because frankly- "Why not me?"

The podcast goes on to further talk about grief is not a bad thing- it's a reaction to a bad thing. We have control over how we react to it. Many react by burying, by hiding, by busying oneself with endless tasks that will never end- all to avoid the reality of our loss. If you allow yourself to stay in a cave of darkness- without oxygen- you will not survive. Grief instead should be viewed as a tunnel - a pathway to a different you.

Listen to an episode or two and let me know what you think.

If you are looking for a book to read- one I highly recommend is

Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe by Laura Lynne Jackson

After reading it I felt less alone and validated in the things that I see as signs from my mother and from Shane- my gifts from them, from the other side.

If poetry is more up your ally you might enjoy some of the works from Donna Ashworth

which include:

"You don't move on after loss, but you must move with. You must shake hands with grief and welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort . She is not the monster you first thought her to be. And she will walk with you now, peacefully. If you let her. And on the days when the anger is high, remember why she came, remember who she represents. Remember, grief came to you my friend, because love came first, Love came first."

I would very much like to bring people together- to learn of your loved ones, to hear about the signs they have sent you. I would like to share our wisdom, share a book, a quote, an account to follow on instagram a podcast to listen to.

How best to do this I am unsure and need your input- please either comment - way down at the bottom or you can also send an email to this account- or our gmail account: mccarthybrothersbond@gmail.com

Would you be interested in getting together in person? Please provide days of week and times of day

Would you join in a zoom meeting ? Please provide days of week and times of day

My Deerfield community- would you be interested in gathering on campus?

I really look forward to hearing from those of you that would like the opportunity to share the light that shines through you.

XO- Angie