Searching For the Light

Wow- November 2, 2024, over 3 months ago was my last post here on the blog. I apologize for the extended absence.

The past 3 months were certainly some of the most difficult for me since losing Shane. They say that November 16th through January 22nd were the 10 darkest weeks in the year- literally- the days were the shortest! For me they were long. dark and lonely. Each day seemed longer than the one before and I found myself feeling lost and overwhelmed, just getting through each day was my only goal. This period of time marked the lasts of the firsts. I guess there is something to be said for surviving that first complete year, but it provides no relief, it does not change our reality that one of our boys is now in heaven.

I am proud of Mike and I, we are very different people- which has always been our super power- we each manage our grief in very different ways, but we hold strongly to our love and to the solid foundation that keeps our family standing. We give each other space for what the other needs and provide stability when the other is weakened. The love and support of our family and friends continue to keep us afloat in the stormy seas. We are grateful for all of you and love you all very much.

I am going to take myself back over these past 3 months and catch up here as this is a great source for me to look back on and see the journey and to provide an insight to those of you that are interested. Always my hope that sharing with you gives you more background to our life both before Shane's death and since. But I am always hopeful that this also gives you all pause- moments to reflect on your own families, to look at your own choices on how you spend your time, your weekends, your holidays, your vacations. While reading these entries I hope that it makes you think of those that mean the most to you- here or in heaven - may you all take time to remember, to honor, to share your stories as well.

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I celebrated my first birthday without Shane on November 12th- wearing this blue raincoat that he got for me even though the sun was shining.

I carried around that last Birthday card he had given me = always writing on behalf of Colin as well. His last written words for me-

Momma- we are so lucky to have you as our Mother. You will always do whatever you can to support us best. I'm proud to call you my Mother and we'll always love you, even when things get tough. Love, Shane and Colin

I never doubted Shane's love for me and I see the love in Colin's eyes each and everyday. So many reached out to me on my birthday- knowing that I would struggle and doing their best to shine some light on me. Delivered flowers, cards in the mail, texts, thoughtful gifts I am lucky to be thought of by so many.

But I want to say that it was the phone call that I received late in the day that melted my heart the most. The voice from an old true friend that may have got more than she bargained for when she dialed my number- you know who you are and I hope you will always know how much you mean to me, to my boys, you were a bright spot in that dark day.

Finding myself dreading the upcoming holidays and knowing that I was not the only one that had lost people they loved in the past year I set out to plan an event at Deerfield Academy- "Sharing Light to Honor Lost Loved Ones" giving people the opportunity to be together and to remember those that they missed, those that they loved, those whose lights shine through them.

I have come to realize that if I am planning something that is honoring Shane or remembering my Mother I am in a much better head space. I am grateful to the Deerfield Community for many things and allowing me the use of a beautiful space to bring people together was helpful. It saddened me that they would not promote the event or allow students to attend- I was only allowed to use word of mouth to share my plans- maybe next year they will be a bit more on board and permit me to share the event with the whole community. It was just another example of how scared some people are to even talk about grief. As I have said before it is the one thing that we all share and we all have in common.

Sunday November 17th was such a beautiful night, nearly 60 people attended, not bad for a first time - starting the evening in complete darkness- one by one people stood, turned on their candle and shared the name(s) of who they were there to honor. Many people that were there from Deerfield I knew about their people, a baker who lost both her parents in the past year, a chef that had lost a brother and a nephew, a few that had lost their mothers, a man that lost his son a few years back, 2 folks that were there on the anniversary of their mom and sisters passing. A friend that had recently celebrated the anniversary of her brothers death by suicide. Another friend and co worker that will soon be facing the anniversary of his wife's death after a long battle with cancer. There we all were- all sharing that one thread of grief, loss and love.

Standing up front on the stage- looking out, hearing the names, watching the colors flicker in the dark- it was just as I had hoped. There is such power in simplicity. We get so caught up in the grandness of all that life has to offer, the gimmicks, the gadgets, the next best thing. The magic from battery powered colored candles inside plastic cups I can not really adequately describe. Maybe next year you can be there to see it for yourself.

I was joined that night on stage by some of my biggest supporters of the Deerfield community- Catriona Hynds, Yanik Nichols, Brian Barbato, Jan Flaska, Lydia Hemphill and Dan Houston. Each one of them bravely shared the stage with me- sharing poems, words, stories in honor of those they lost, those they love and those that shine through them.

I looked out to see my family members, my coworkers, our community being together- remembering our people, and sharing them with others. Their is such strength in knowing that you are not alone.

We closed the night with "Take Me Home Country Roads" Marc Dancer on guitar, and Julia Rivellino-Lyons, Julie McClelland and Liz Dollhopf on vocals. The perfect ending to a powerful night. A song that continues to be a sign of Shane's presence.

It felt good, it felt like I was helping others all while trying to help myself. The heartfelt notes and emails I received in the days that followed assured me that we had indeed Shared the Light.

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That next week was tough- it was the dates of Thanksgiving week in 2023- bombarded daily with memories : the day I drove to pick up Shane for break, our last Thanksgiving together, the last time he slept in his bed, the last time my family saw him, the last holiday he would have with his Grandmother and Grandfather the last time Liam got to rummage through Nerf guns and Bruder trucks in the cellar with his cousin, my last hug and kiss goodbye. Each and every second of every day was filled with remembering what was and would never be again. The most painful of those for me- is the touch. Knowing that I will never again feel Shane's arms wrap around me is what leaves the biggest void. There is such heartbreak in remembering the last exchange my two boys had.

Grief is not just about the pain of what you have lost, but the reality of what will never get a chance to be.

"The biggest loss in life is goodbye, not because it ends a moment, but because it steals the future you dreamed of. It's the silence that follows a voice you'll never hear again, the ache of love with no place to go, and the unbearable finality of knowing there's no going back. "

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I received a call on November 20th from where we purchased our family monument letting us know the stone was in place at Center Cemetery in Bernardston. They had promised me that it would be there prior to the anniversary of Shane's passing. It had remained an unchecked off item on that lengthy to do list of ours. It was another thing- that Mike and I had planned, and chosen and hoped that it would be all that we imagined. It would stand as a representation of our family long after all of us are gone.

With Shane somehow being the first one to be buried in what was now our family plot- we had wanted it to represent him: sleek, stylish, sophisticated and with simplistic beauty.

I believe we accomplished all of that- I thank Negus and Taylor Monuments of Greenfield for bringing our vision to reality. It is not easy to see your own name written on a headstone for sure another lump in your throat moment seeing the names of your family carved in stone. And a in your face reality that the last name- the youngest member of your beautiful family you created- is the one with a date of death. It's all so wrong- it all hurts so very much, it is something that I will never wrap my head around how we got here.

After spending some time here I soon traveled down 91 to go visit a friend in Holyoke that had unexpectedly lost her husband Frank the month prior.

The beauty in the sky I felt was Shane's approval of the monument and also his blessing that I was going to visit the mother of one of his Deerfield classmates.

These signs from my boy- the things that keep me looking around, looking up, having hope and feeling his love.

Just a few days later Mike and I attended the wake and the reception for Frank. It saddened me to see a family entrenched in grief due to the sudden unexpected loss of someone they loved. Frank's wife and Frank's son have been loyal supporters during my grief journey- now all the sudden they were in a journey of their own. The day was heavy- it happened to be the 23rd, the date of Thanksgiving the year before. Another family that had had it's life turned upside down in the blink of an eye.

Next up for us in November was to host Thanksgiving as we have for many years. As I have mentioned before in previous posts- Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, less stressful than Christmas due to the demands that I put on myself for what I think I should accomplish. Thanksgiving is a day for thanks for those around us and to be grateful for what we have around us. This year I was still thankful and grateful for what and who were there but the day was not easy. Thoughts heavy on my mind on who might be missing from our table next year.

Having parents in their mid 80s you always wonder how many more holidays we will share. But this is another thing that makes Thanksgiving special to me- it has always been that one holiday where the Shaw's and McCarthy's have come together to enjoy a holiday together. Mike and I have been in each others lives for 33ish years- so that alone is much to be thankful for. In typical fashion there was delicious food, cold drinks, conversations, crafts, laughter and love. I am lucky to have a husband that enjoys preparing the meal, family that always contributes and family thats helps with clean up, Thank you Julie for making the journey from California to be seated at our table this year.

The day after Thanksgiving was one that I had been looking forward to; a few of Shane's friends from the cape were planning to stop by on their way to Vermont. Their arrival was just what I needed- Luke was one of Shane's friends that I had not seen since Shane had passed, he had not been able to attend the services as he was away at college and was away working in the summer so he missed the celebration of life on the Cape as well. He was the first to arrive so getting some extra time with him helped to fill some of the cracks in this Momma's heart, and the love and hugs that followed along from the young ladies: Gina, Gwyn, Maddy, Paige and Laura was just what my weakened system was in need of. Their presence was enough to give Mike the support he needed for his first trip to the cemetery. It's always emotional to go to the gravesite, but it is someplace that I find comfort which I know is not the case for everyone. Gwyn and Paige had also not been able to attend the funeral but I think ( I Hope) it helped give them some closure to see the beautiful spot where Shane had been laid to rest. The more time I get to spend with these "kids" the more I understand why they were people Shane chose to spend his time with.

Saturday November 30, 2024 - the anniversary of Shane's death- what do you do with that day? I decided I wanted to focus on the dash, all the important stuff between the day he arrived and the day he passed. The day was brisk and chilly- I had asked my great nephew Liam and my sister Cindy to join me as I visited some of the places that played a special part in Shane becoming who he was. Sticking with my brightly colored cups and battery operated candles we set off about town. Our first stop was Baystate Franklin Medical Center- where Shane was born. Liam enjoyed learning that his Gigi, Nana and his own mother and him too were also all born there. In Greenfield we visited Four Corners School where Shane went to kindergarten, Federal Street school where he attended 1st thru 3rd grade and the middle school where Shane went for 4th -6th grade. I told Liam about his teachers and some of the mischief Shane got into- Liam took a test drive on the playground equipment everywhere we went. I was also sure to share that Colin went to these schools as well and how important of a role Shane had looking out for his brother and reporting back to me at the end of those days.

We had lunch at Wendy's- a favorite fast food place of Shane's- we had chicken nuggets and Frosty's in his memory.

With some much needed time to warm up in the car we then went to Deerfield- the first stop was at the Children's school where Shane went to Preschool, a stop at Richardson's Chocolates which was also a favorite place of Shane's and then it was up the hill to Eaglebrook where we stopped by the Admissions office where it all began, and also over to the learning center where most of Shane's classes took place and then over to Deerfield Academy to my favorite spot- Gordie's bench. I continued to share stories with Liam and Cindy about Shane's classes, his teachers, his struggles, his proudest moments, all the things that made Shane who he was. I realized that there are many more places that I need to visit to share stories about Shane- I think I will do the same thing next year and continue to teach Liam about his cousin. It's fun to think back over the years and to reflect on the struggles and triumphs. Our community did indeed help to raise Shane, from the teachers he had, and other support people at all the schools, coaches for sports teams- all important pieces to the puzzle that forms us. We ended our day at the cemetery- where Liam left flowers and a special bird he had chosen to leave on his stone.

My hope was that people would find the lights, if they knew Shane they would take a moment to remember him and if they did not know Shane- perhaps they would Google him and learn his story. Maybe they would find their way to this site and learn about our family and the foundation. I got some validation receiving emails, notes and text messages from folks that came across my tributes to him. A long emotional day had done just as I had hoped- people were talking about Shane, keeping his memory alive and remembering how they were impacted by him.

When I laid my head down to bed early that night I felt that I had done the right thing: my heart was heavy but full at the same time.