Feeling Hollow on Halloween

It's been a heavy week - much more challenging than I anticipated. Last Saturday Colin and I carved our pumpkin with my sister Cindy, my niece Chelsea and my great nephew Liam. We were joined by my nephew in law Jay and my Dad was also on hand for supervising. I know when I was little I could count on my Dad to scoop the guts out of the pumpkin for me- but he did not even offer!

This is just another one of the many holiday traditions/activities that we have always done as a family. Certainly for the past few years Shane had been away at school and not able to participate- but we did have a lot of laughs as we thought about how particular Shane could be. He always had a great idea and frequently it was left up to Chelsea to execute his plan. I think the carousel idea was one of the coolest that they did together.

Chelsea sure did save me and my big plan to carve the McCarthy Brothers Bond Logo this year- I would've had just a big hole in mine had she not encouraged me to think about what would be keeping it attached. Thanks Chels!

My sister opted for a ghost this year that said Boo- honoring our Shaney Boo. Even at 21 years old- he was still called that name. Liam opted for the haunted house/ castle and hung in there pretty good - and much like Shane used to do at that age he left the hard parts for Chelsea to do.

Chels also decided to do the MBB logo- I think we did good. I think Shane would be proud of our work, likely critical of something but still proud.

As I thumbed through scrapbooks and came across our Halloween photos it was a heavy combination of heart melting at my cute little boys and heart breaking to know that Shane will never get the opportunity to make Halloween memories with his own family. I will not get to be the grandma that helps with trick or treating or to make costumes.

Right from a young age Shane was all about costumes that he and Ta- could be together. Ta was what Shane called Colin for years- he had a bit of a struggle with words that started with c- so a kitty was a Tat, Colin was Ta and forget about Auntie Cindy- she was forever just Aunt.

Aunt has played a very important role in both of my boys lives- and when it came to Halloween she was always the sewer for all of the costumes. I could paint some cardboard and figure out ways to attach stuff to Colin's wheelchair but I can not sew.

For Shane's first Halloween when he was just 4 months old he was a cute little cow- complete with a bell and Colin was the farmer. That's Chelsea in the first photo. One of our first stops each Halloween would be at the Dining Hall of Deerfield Academy so that we could see Daddy.

That next year it was when the Chef Emeril Lagasse was quite popular. So Shane was a chef and Colin was a Dalmatian- not exactly a team outfit. Aunt took one of Mike's chef hats and chef coats to custom make Shane's uniform right down to the fancy knots on the jacket. Mike had no idea what the boys were dressing up as and was so happy to see the little Chef- that only wanted to say "Bam" like chef Emeril did instead of trick or treat.

The next year Shane wanted to be a fireman and thought that Colin could just be the dog again- which worked out great- we even made the wagon into a firetruck.

The following year we were heavy into Shane's obsession with Bob the Builder- when he thought Colin's wheelchair could become Rolly the steam roller - I gave it my best shot. We did win a prize that year for best Duo at Greenfield's Rag Shag parade.

The next year was a year we put Aunt to work yet again with Colin's Santa costume and Shane's Reindeer. We even had a Colin helper that was with us as an elf. Oh man they were so cute.

The next year Shane had a new obsession the Disney High School Musical movie- so he was Troy Bolton the basketball player- not a very exciting costume- but Colin totally "rocked" as I made him into a drummer- building a drum set around him, grooving him out and playing Phil Collins drum solo recordings as we hit main street in Old Deerfield with Lisa and Kyle Bostrom's boys Chris and Andy.

For a few years after that Shane took the easy way out in terms of a costume by being a builder- like his Uncle Jon. People did love one of those years when Colin was a pile of Lego's to go along with his brother the builder.

As Shane got older he kind of gave up on trick or treating- there were not many kids in our area to hang out with so it made it a bit harder. He did once again play the role of Chef during one of those last years and carried around a pot to keep all his candy in .

I think one of my favorite Colin costumes ever was when he was a scarecrow in a cornfield. This was another costume that was super cute- thanks to the sewing skills of our beloved "aunt".

Such a roller coaster ride- the highs of the memories, the sweetness of their innocent faces. Remembering the love that Shane had for his brother from such a young age- wanting to push his wheelchair, or to pull him in the wagon. He just never saw Colin as anything other than Ta- the brother that he loved. Never a burden never an inconvenience just simply another part of him.

I feel a lot like my pumpkin- I was strong and in one piece and then I got gutted, and it has weakened my structure for sure. I am no longer the same- and never will be again. However

I can honestly say I still feel blessed. I also feel cheated- but I am blessed. I may not have got Shane for my whole life. But he had us for his - and was loved unconditionally all of his life- and I know he knew that. And like the pumpkin I carved- I will keep his light shining through me from within for all the rest of my days.