Back to School

I didn't know.

I did not know that this photo would be the last back to school photo I would take of our two boys.

August 30, 2023- Shane gave Colin one last goodbye before he headed off for his Junior year at Northeastern University In Boson, MA. Shane never left the house without saying goodbye to his brother- even if Colin was sound asleep- Shane would never miss that moment. I am grateful for that- and I hold those thoughts close to my heart, choosing to believe that Colin knows how much his brother loved him and knowing that Shane did not choose to leave him or us. I also choose to believe that Shane is very much a part of Colin every day.

It has been a challenging few weeks- back to school = hard on so many levels. I should have got one more back to school photo- and that photo should've happened last week when Shane would've packed up his Jeep and headed to the city for his Senior year. I had planned to be counting down the days until his graduation at Fenway Park, when he would become the first member of my family to graduate from college.

It should not be this way.

Grief is messy- we did not lose Shane once on November 30th- we have lost him over and over again every day since. Losing the minutes, the hours, the days. With every Thursday that passes so has another week. With every 30th that passes so has another month.

The special moments that we often take for granted like sending our kids back to school now are memories to look back on and try to recall every detail. Often the return to back to school for many would be welcoming- to be back to a schedule and a routine for the family. For us it often came with a lot of trepidation- mostly on my part.

Colin first went to school when he was only 3 years old, due to his many challenges he was on an IEP and while at school he would get several other services, such as PT, OT Speech and language and vision assistance. The therapists that we met along the way were some of the best gifts Colin and our family ever received. In the 19 years that Colin was in school - he had 2 physical therapists and one PT assistant, Miss Meg, Miss Karen and Miss Deb: there are not enough words that I know to thank these women for all they did for Colin, for all they did for us. I hope that they know how much we love them all. Linda, one of his OT's- was still part of the school system when Colin aged out. Their dedication to kids in this special group often goes unrecognized and certainly undercompensated!! As I sit here writing this all the sudden I am smiling from ear to ear thinking about these people- they all may need an additional blog post of their own one day- cuz Mr. Anderson - SPL; will forever be our hero- and that alone is a story in itself- but for another day.

Sending Colin to school was always a challenging task- particularly when it would be time to change teachers, or schools, or if there was a new school nurse. Once Shane was of age to attend school we school choiced him to whichever school Colin was in for that given year. Shane became our spy within! Shane would be quick to report if he saw Colin throughout the day and what activity he saw him doing and would be very sad on the days when he would report that he had heard his brother crying. Always the protector of his big brother.

I was very active in the schools- running the PTO with friends for a few years to be able to keep close tabs on both my boys. I do not think that Shane was a fan!

Both of the boys were lucky to have some very dedicated and special teachers along the way that they formed deeper connections with. Both had made friends that would bring the fun to their school days.

I have to pay special tribute to Ms. West and Colin's 5th grade class- such a pivotal year as Colin entered middle school and would be the ONLY new student in this group as they started their second year in the loop. These kids welcomed Colin and made sure that he was included on a daily basis and would continue to do this up until the day they graduated together in 2019.

As Shane navigated middle school he sought to become his own person- he wanted to get out from under the shadow of being Colin's brother. He needed to find his own way. And I think he hoped to not have his mother know everything about his day before he even got in the car.

Shane took the initiative to apply to Eaglebrook and it was the best decision he ever made and that we ever supported. Sadly I had lost my Greenfield School system spy and the boys would now be attending different schools.

Time on the hill was an incredible time- middle school is a tricky time for boys and girls- I think the opportunities that Shane had at Eaglebrook- the teachers and coaches that challenged him and nurtured him helped to create the young man that he was. Eaglebrook is a gem in this valley, he took stone carving classes and learned to make stained glass all at a time when Greenfield public schools art programs were cut! He started his path in Latin, he found the ability to write about his fears and his feelings growing up with a special needs brother. He had the opportunity to travel for over 2 weeks in China- thanks to the encouragement from his advisor Ms. Lien. He got to ski every day there was snow available.

There were lots of fun events like Mountain day, and ski day, the Fall Festival on family weekend and the winter carnival. There were numerous guest speakers and fun assemblies. For me- every day I got the opportunity to have his undivided attention for the car ride home- where he would always be required to tell me 5 things about his day.

Shane's time at Eaglebrook would prepare and lead him to his four years at Deerfield. Four years of school where both of his parents worked. He really had no secrets then!

As I have said many times already in prior blog posts- the Deerfield community is special. It led Shane to many people that continued to help guide him into the young man that he was. Teachers that would continue to push his abilities, that would challenge him to find his voice. People that would open his mind and open doorways to new opportunities. He made life long friends.

A life that should've got to be so much longer with so much more in it.

As Shane's Deerfield classmates embark on their Senior years in college- I am heartbroken to not have that opportunity with Shane. He worked so hard at school- it did not come easy for him. He had so many great ideas, so many plans.......

Back to school takes on another meaning for Mike and I- since we both continue to work at Deerfield Academy. It is a shift back to a more structured week- Mike's job as the Director of Food Service is a huge undertaking, his days are long. Our nights of dinners together are over for now.

Mike begins his 26th year and I start my 20th.

Deerfield Academy is a very hard place for me to be these days. I will forever be grateful to this community for their love and support over these past 9 months but I am challenged. I feel the awkwardness from myself and many on campus. What do you say to me and what do I say to you? Whatever you do please do not ask me how I am- it is a question that is just too big- it's too vague- it's too hard. I need smaller questions- how was my morning? or my breakfast? or the past hour?- those may be questions that I can answer. Even those may depend on the day. Or maybe no questions is even better- how about a statement instead. OR even better- say his name- tell me that you are remembering SHANE, tell me what it is that reminded you or made you think of him. Or is there something that you have gained or learned from our tragedy? Have you changed something about your way of life? Are you on the floor playing games instead of on the computer? Have you told your kids today that you love them and that you are proud of them? Are you calling your college student instead of texting them? Did you get the contact information of their roommate so you have a way to check in? How about your own parents- have you thanked them recently for all they have done for you? Do the people that you love- know that?

If none of this feels right- if you see me- use the universal language - just smile.

And as many of you know- I will always take the hug- but know that is is going to be at least 10 seconds! My first official day back last week- I was very grateful for that hug- you know who you are!

So as many of us return to our back to school lives - lets be sure we are making the most out of them. Attending extracurricular activities of our kids ( or grandkids) , a note in a lunchbox, a meaningful conversation on the way home from school, singing along to songs on the radio, making time to be with people we care about.

Every day we have choices to make from the second we get out of bed. Every day we get new chances. Please do not waste the opportunities that we have. Don't forget to take the photos. Please do not think we have tomorrow- because we just do not get that guarantee.