ADRIFT

Adrift -

without motive

floating aimless

no anchor

alone

loneliness

emptiness

directionless

questioning a meaningful purpose

Mike, Colin and I are adrift. We are in the same sea but not on the same boat. Our journeys are different- we all left from the same place- and we are all searching.

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It has been weeks since I posted anything here on the blog. A spot that was giving me some guidance and some direction was now something I was afraid to do. Each entry that I started only led to endless tears and gut wrenching sadness.

I am going to try to stick with it tonight and perhaps just maybe my True North will guide me towards the shore.

On July 24th I was able to get a couple nights of nursing coverage for Colin and took a trip back down to the cape. Mike was already there to spend some more time with family and friends. I was reluctant to go. I was not sure what to expect. Yes I had been down three other times- but all with a purpose and a plan. Trip one was to initialize a conversation about Shane's celebration of life. Trip two to finalize all the details. Trip three was to celebrate Shane with all the awesome splendor that he deserved. I think we succeeded!

My week on the cape celebrating Shane had more than it's share of awkward uncomfortable moments. Some people are challenged to look me in the eye, many are obviously at a loss for words and seemingly some just choose to keep their distance.

But what about this time- I did not have a plan and I did not know what to expect. I desperately wanted to spend time with Shane's friends and their parents. I wanted to draw out all they could tell me, I wanted to hear stories that I had not been a part of. I wanted time with the people that Shane CHOSE to spend his time with.

But would any of them want to spend time with me? Or was I now a painful reminder of their friend that was no longer here on Earth?

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When I arrived late morning on Wednesday the street (Jeep Place) was relatively quiet. We were fortunate to be staying at the Wolf house right on the bluff- so even on this windy drizzly day it was still a beautiful view.

Mike and I went into Falmouth for a change of scenery- a trip we always did at least once every summer bringing the boys down. On sunny days we might enjoy the bike path, or getting ice cream, on not such great days we would shop and eat. I have such great memories of venturing into Woods Hole with Grampie Jim . Mike and I smiled thinking about some of them and even laughed while in Liam McQuire's for a late lunch as we remembered that this was the first bar that Shane ever sat at- likely at the ripe old age of 5. I could picture his cute little face as he sat next to Grampie Jim on his bar stool drinking his root beer. This was also the place we came for lunch one day when Mike's cousins were visiting from Ireland. Just being on the street brought back a lot of memories of summers spent there with the boys. Once back at Jeep we went for a walk on the beach. The bigger waves and the churning aggressive sounds of the ocean were fitting- we were angry that Shane was not here- our hearts were heavy.

Finding a feather on the beach is not a rare find- there are lots of seagulls around! But I took this fluffy, delicate white one as a sign from Shane, a reminder that this was a place of many happy memories and a place that he loved. But for me a place that is very difficult to be .

Our next stop was 95 Shore - as mentioned in earlier posts- this is where Shane did his co-op last summer. This is a beautiful restaurant that is within New Seabury Country Club. It is a members only establishment- but we were told to reach out whenever we are in the area and if they have room- they will get us a table. Lucky lucky us- we got a table with a beautiful view of the course and the ocean- Maeve took great care of us as our server, Chef Ken provided us with delicious food and was able to even sneak out of the kitchen and get in a visit. We were grateful to be able to thank him in person for the amazing job he and his staff did for the celebration of life for Shane. We continue to get compliments on the service, the food and the beauty of the location.

I can not forget to mention our cocktail goddess- Kelly- she always takes great care of us and is truly one of the most genuine and kind people I have ever met. After spending time with her I always leave completely understanding why Shane was so fond of her.

95 Shore is a place that I feel Shane strongly and a place that he left his mark- those that worked with him miss him and those that did not work with him have heard about him. One of Shane's friends Sammy is working there this summer and sent me this photo from in the kitchen. There is a Shane prayer card in the expo window- a place he loved. A spot he will watch over.

It was not long after returning from dinner that I got some visitors- some kids!

I was already a blubbery mess- seeing them did not help that. Well it did eventually but not at first. These kids- Chase, Gina, Max, Gwyn, Maddy - I just do not have the words to adequately describe how they make me feel. I have said it before- I feel Shane through them- for me this is one of the signs, one of the ways that Shane is coming to me is through them. I am not even sure how long they stayed- it got late- or early. We talked, we laughed, we cried, we remembered- we shared.

Maybe, just maybe- some of them need me just as I need them.

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Thursday morning I started my day with coffee on the beach- soaking up the calmer sounds from the ocean and seeing the signs for a brighter day to come. I had plans for lunch with more of Shane's friends and some Moms too. But before that I decided to go for a walk and hoped that Shane would show me the way.

I am constantly telling myself that I need to be present and that I need to be aware of my surroundings. One of the first things that caught my eye on my walk was this - black eyed susan ( I think ) growing along the side of the road among the weeds and little trees. Here was this bright yellow flower- making the most of its situation- perhaps not planted in a yard or in a garden where it should be- but none the less- bright and beautiful right where it was.

Further down the road was the painted rocks- Be Kind to Each Other. The entire world needs more kindness and that is a fact.

I believe that Shane did his best to show kindness to others- thanks in part to his brother Colin- Shane did not judge people by their differences or appearances. Shane's judgement was led by people's character. Shane always encouraged people to be their true authentic selves.

My walk down the road led me to Dean's Pond -a freshwater pond that is just across the street from the Atlantic Ocean! The benches and the footbridge- a favorite spot for many that summer here. A place to feed the ducks, to catch and release fish, to watch for snapping turtles, access to the bike path, a quiet place to reflect, a place to meet to plan the evening shenanigans. This spot was truly one of Shane's favorites.

When I came down to pick Shane up either at the end of his first or second summer that he spent working on the Cape he wanted to go to Mashpee Commons to pick out a gift for Amy Xidea. Amy is Mom to Michael and Chase and plays the role of Cape Mom to many other kids in the area. During this summer Shane had spent many many hours at her house with her boys and had eaten many meals with them. Amy was always so kind and generous and ALWAYS made him feel welcome. In and out of many stores we went- he decided to get a small framed print of Dean's Pond Bridge. Today that print hangs on the wall in her kitchen for all to see.

A special picture of a special place for a very special person!

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That afternoon brought me back into Falmouth this time with Amy, Chase, Ava, Susan and Mo. We met up with Tricia, Goldey and Brooke Dempsey, Sammy Skoler, Gina Gemba and Laura Dimeo. What an entertaining afternoon- so heart warming to be surrounded by these very special people. Their love, their laughter, their spirits- all secretly lifting mine. Some needed to set off for work so we disbanded- with some planning to come see me later and others planning for a beach day on Friday as the forecast looked quite promising!

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Back at Jeep Place I caught up with Mike who had been golfing with his brother Glenn- we had an easy relaxed dinner with Lena, and Matt, Matty and Jen Hagan.

From the back deck I was noticing the sky beginning to brighten and soon hoped for a beautiful Shane sunset. Jen and I took a ride down to Poppy Island- one of my favorite places to enjoy the sunset. I began getting texts- "are you seeing this-?" "are you outside?" "Look it's Shane doing his thing "

Yup- he sure did- Shane brought us the purple- another one of my beliefs of signs from him. When there is purple in the sky- he is reminding me- reminding us- to look up- to remember him- to keep moving forward- to find beauty in every day. Even when days are hard- there is always something to be grateful for.

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The evening brought lots of company- kids and parents from on the street and beyond. Once again there was laughter, there were stories and even dancing!

There was also some hard conversations- some of these kids were the last ones to see Shane alive. Shane had hosted a Friendsgiving get together in Boston just days before he passed. I needed to hear them tell me about that evening. We shared about hearing the news, we shared about coping measures and support systems and we all vowed to always be there for one another. Again- many in the same sea- but all in different boats, all navigating separately. Once again it got late / early - I did not want my time with them to end! Some I would see on the beach later in the day- but for Laura and Paige it was my time to say goodbye to them. Two bright beautiful young ladies- bound by a sisters bond.

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5 am came very early- but I was quite sure that Shane was going to dazzle me with a beautiful sunrise and I had made a plan to join Barb to enjoy it. Barb has a house on Jeep- she and her family have welcomed and looked after Shane as well- not just here but also up North when Mike and Shane would join them for skiing. Barb is just another one of the many special people down here- we had such a beautiful conversation, about Shane, about families, about signs, about appreciating our gifts and most importantly being grateful for the time we are given. Once again Shane did not disappoint. Purple - right from the very start. With a radiant flourish at the end with the brightest beam of golden light connecting heaven and earth.

The day was indeed a beach day- a beautiful day spent with beautiful people. Moms, daughters, and even a son made an appearance. A group of people bound forever by their memories on cape cod, by their friendships - a group of people that I have had the honor to begin to know because of Shane. Hopefully a group of people that I will continue to know even better. A group of people that all hold memories of Shane.

Time with these kids, these families- they help to fill the cracks in my heart.

I stole as many hugs from them as I possibly could- trying to fill my soul - wishing there was a way to store it for when I really need it.

I hope that you all continue to look up- to look around- and I hope that when the purple paints the sky either in the morning or at night- that you will think of Shane- he's still with us- just not in the way that I wish he was.

And because of that - I remain adrift