A Mother's Bond

From the moment you learn you are going to be a mother- you are forever changed. A piece of your heart now belongs in the hands of that little person you created. If you choose to have more than one child another piece of your heart leaves to be part of the next little person you created. You think that there is no way that your heart can possibly love them enough especially with parts of it missing. But you do. The children Mike and I created, our boys, our pride and joy - are by far the best things that ever happened to me. Being a mother is something I longed for and I still feel blessed that I was chosen to be these boys Mom.

Raising our little family certainly did not go as we had planned, my pregnancy with Colin and the early years of his life were like riding a roller coaster, with giant dips, twists and turns, some times upside down and even some death defying drops. The journey of Colin is a story for another day but one I will look forward to sharing at some point when the time feels right.

When Shane arrived in our world a short 17 months later, quite unexpected I might add - our world brightened just when we needed it.

Colin had some medical challenges right out of the gate, the neurologist - Dr. Gilmore that we met in the Neonatal Intensive care unit in the first few days of Colin's life told us that he was unsure of what our journey would bring, but to love Colin with everything we had and that he would be beside us every step of the way to navigate the challenges and hurdles if and when they came.

Dr. Gilmore was indeed a lifeline for us and was with us for the first 17 years of Colin's life. I certainly hope that he is happily enjoying retirement somewhere.

Shane arrived when it was becoming more and more apparent of what Colin's challenges would be. As I said Colin was 17 months old when Shane entered the picture- Colin was dependent on adult care for all his needs- unable to walk, crawl or even sit up independently. He was not able to hold a bottle or feed himself, and also unable to communicate his needs.

Shane was this little bundle of smiles and giggles with rolls of chubbiness in his thighs and the deepest pools of brown eyes you ever did see. He learned how to do all those things Colin could not do with ease. At a time when we were struggling with all of Colin's unknowns, Shane brought positivity and hope. Shane would soon be trying to help feed Colin, or simply entertain his brother. Shane brought normalcy to our world when it began to spin out of control. Shane was full of energy from the second he got up until the second his little exhausted body finally fell asleep. He pushed my buttons and spent most of the third year of his life sitting in the corner in time out! He loved to be outside and be with the adults- soaking up and learning all he could by asking thousands of questions. He was a fabulous little helper- shoveling snow, raking leaves, housework, gardening- he was always happy to help.

If you attended or viewed Shane's funeral service- you might recall that I called Shane my True North. Shane was, from that very early age, my center, he was the one that kept me on track. When the boys were young and I would be caught up in all Colin's challenges, Shane would snap me into the positive light. A giant hug, a big kiss, a sweet I love you, whatever it might have been he always seemed to know what I needed even if I did not.

Writing about my two boys is a subject that I will likely never be at a loss for words on, they are my purpose, they are what I am most proud of, they each have a part of my heart.

But now-a part of my heart is here and a part of my heart is in heaven.

I find myself feeling back on that rollercoaster with twists and turns, upside down loop de loops and scary drops. I find myself longing for that hug, that kiss, that "i love you" that Shane always had when I needed it. His words, his voice and his touch I long for with every fiber of my being.

Both of my boys are forever a part of me, they are the best part of who I am, they drive how I live my life. They will forever be the reason that I get up every day and do my best to honor them, to honor their love for each other and for me to honor a mothers bond.